Tuesday, March 30, 2010

frackin unbelievable

(from a less drug induced, but tearful crazy lady)
okay. so. where to begin.  i woke-up this morning in tears.  do you know that feeling you get after an intense exercise, where your legs are shaky and your body burns? if you're a swimmer-- and, before this shit happened, i swam 90 minutes every day (except sundays)-- then you are used to your shoulders and upper back frying an egg, after an incredibly powerful "push" in the water.  it takes a day after a marathon to "come back to earth" and you feel sore, but amazingly calm.  well, yesterday in occupational and physical therapy, they dumped my swollen, numb, almost completely paralyzed, useless left hand in ice baths.  then, they did a deep tissue massage on the hand, arm, and both shoulder blades.  finally, they gave me a lecture all day long...
"be patient" (uh huh, sure...)
"stop overthinking and feel the moment, including your grief and happiness" (yeah, whatever...)
 "your hand is an extension of your body.  you are not dead.  your hand is not dead. your body doesn't forget." (huh.)

last night, i burned.  not the "burning alive in the bowels of hell" feeling-- but,  the "i just finished the most amazing swim from alcatraz" feeling.  my legs were shaky (another post for another time), my muscles were cramping, and i was happy "for the moment."  i imagined my swims, the feeling of calm and peace i would have during the push in the cool water.  i started to build a story, for the first time in months.

and, for the first time in 7 years, i woke-up with the ability to feel and move my entire left hand. 

oh yeah-- and i cried.

this is a long and painful journey.  this is a milestone, and a bit of calm in between the bumps. i know that my hand will continue to act like a rebellious teen with the need to test boundaries. for brief moments, i will struggle with the desire to kill it (or, just to say "shut up, you are driving me crazy!")

but, i will never forget the fact that my hand is part of my body-- and, i am not dead.

14 comments:

Cece Meng said...

Yesssssssss. I knew good ol' lefty wouldn't let you down. Go lefty!

Mango said...

The hand is back! THat is great news.

Mango Momma

Wild Dingo said...

Now that it's alive, Loki wants to know: can he bite it? ;)

how AWESOME! I LOVE it. Fracking fabulous!

brooke said...

That's great news!
Woo Hoo to the crazy lady's left hand!!!

diana said...

that is so wonderful!!!

(tearing up here... but i'm a cry-baby, so it doesn't count. and they're happy tears anyway, so double that "doesn't count")

Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

All yes!

The power of THE LEFT!

Keep up the great work!

Khyra's Khrazy Lady

L B said...

Congratulations on your progress. Looking forward to more good news.

Linda of Bo

Pibble said...

I'm sitting on a runway with a one hour delay, waiting to get back to the New York City area, but we're going nowhere fast. You have just made the day great! I'm so happy for you!!!!

Tweedles -- that's me said...

your so right ,,, frackin unbelieveable!
two cheers
love
tweedles

Twinkietinydog said...

OMD and I was happy to hear about yesterday's improvement!!! Yay. The hand is back and the rest is to follow. That's fabulous news. And a great last line.
Twinkie

The Thundering Herd said...

That is some of the best news I have heard all day - awesome!

Wild Dingo said...

ok, soooooo.... you're readers are WAAAITING for a sugar, i mean, crazy lady update! hope all is well. we're thinking about you.
hugs,
wild dingo

diana said...

happy bday crazy lady!

jodie said...

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
in case you missed the 500 esp happy birthdays i have thought through the day until i could get to where i could find your number to call then finally did and it is too late...
Here's a non-esp happy birrrrrrthdayyyyy tooooooooo!!!!!!